Excerpt
Becalmed
Here's what they tell you when you want to leave the Fleet:
Stay behind. Don't get back on the ship, not even to retrieve your things. Have someone bring the important items to you.
Check to see if any of your friends or any members of your family want to leave as well. Don't force them. For most of us, the ship is and has always been home. Life on a planet—any planet—is different. Very different. So different that some can't handle it, even if they think they can.
Don't go to a base. Don't ask to be dropped off. Stay. Create a new life with the grateful people you've saved/helped/rescued.
Become someone else.
They tell us these things before each mission and then again as one is ending. They tell us these things so that we can make the right choice for us, the right choice for the ship. The right choice for everyone.
They do this because they used to forbid us from leaving. We were of the ship, they'd say. We were part of the Fleet. We were specially chosen, specially bred.
We were, they said, able to overcome anything.
But that wasn't true. Even with ships built for five hundred people, there is no room for one slowly devolving intellect, one emotionally unstable but highly trained individual.
No room for the crazy, the sick, or the absolutely terrified.
The key, however, is finding that person. Figuring out who she is.
And what to do about her.
* * *
It had been a slaughter. Twenty-seven of us, and only three survived.
I am one of the survivors.
And that is all I know.
I sit on the window seat in my living area, staring out the portal. I had asked, back when I got promoted the very first time, to have an apartment on the outer edges of the ship. I'd been told apartments that brushed against the exterior were dangerous, that if the ship sustained serious damage I could lose everything.
But I like looking out the portal—a real portal, not a wall screen, not some kind of entertainment—at space as it is at this moment.
But I do not look into space.
Instead, I have activated a small section of my wall screen. I read and reread the regulations. I translate them into different languages. I have the ship's computer recite them to me. I have the children's school programs explain them.
The upshot is the same:
I should leave. I should never have come back to the ship. That was my mistake.
Theirs was to keep me and not ask me to remain planetside.
These errors make me nervous. They make me wonder what will happen next, and that is unusual. The ship thrives on structure. Structure comes from following a schedule, following the rules, following long-established traditions.
Tradition dictates an announcement to the entire crew at the beginning and end of each mission: the always familiar, easily quotable regulations about disembarking at the next stop, about leaving if you can no longer perform your duties.
We should have gotten that announcement as soon as the anacapa drive delivered us to this fold in space. We have been here too long.
Even I know that.
Each ship in the Fleet has an anacapa drive. The drive also works as a cloak, although my former husband objects to that term. If the Ivoire is under attack, the captain activates the anacapa drive, which moves us into foldspace. We stay in foldspace only a moment, then return to our original position seconds or hours later, depending on the manner in which the navigators programmed the anacapa. Sometimes, in a battle, seconds are all you need. The enemy ship moves; we do not. We vanish for a moment. Then we reappear, behind them.
Or we don't reappear for hours, and they think us long gone.
Either way, we are only in foldspace for a moment.
We have been in this foldspace for days.
I bring my feet onto the window seat, press my thighs against my breasts, and rest my head on my knees.
No one will tell me anything. I am shaky and emotional, unable to remember. Unable to think clearly about anything.
And for a woman who has spent her entire life thinking, this change terrifies me most of all.